


I'll Leave You Words

by Sazzarazza20



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Character's Name Spelled as Hanji, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Levi/Erwin Smith, Hange Zoë & Levi Are Best Friends, Hurt/Comfort, Levi is Bad At Feelings (Shingeki no Kyojin), Levi-centric (Shingeki no Kyojin), M/M, Minor Armin Arlert/Eren Yeager, Nonbinary Hange Zoë, Past Levi/Erwin Smith, Reminiscing, episode 55
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 22:22:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29285976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sazzarazza20/pseuds/Sazzarazza20
Summary: Levi wonders if he made the wrong decision in who got the serum. That is, until he sees Eren and Armin together.orLevi never cries... until he does. Hanji is there to give him the hug he deserves.*Post season 3 episode 55
Relationships: Armin Arlert/Eren Yeager, Levi & Hange Zoë, Levi/Erwin Smith
Comments: 17
Kudos: 202





	I'll Leave You Words

Levi stood in front of the mirror, in the bathroom attached to his bedroom—their bedroom. He took a shaking breath through his nose and gripped the sides of the sink. He stared at his white knuckles and didn’t dare look into the mirror. He hadn’t bathed in two days and could practically feel the dirt and sweat covering his skin—etching itself into the linen of his shirt. The last thing he needed right now was to look at the state of his hair, probably covered in grease, or the darkness that surely surrounded his eyes.

Images of Erwin flashed in his mind. When he closed his eyes, he saw his broken body wrapped crudely in bloodied bandages. When he moved one hand off the sink, he felt the ghost of Erwin’s hand slapping him away as he raised his hand for a teacher Levi could not see. 

He couldn’t wipe the image of Erwin from his mind no matter how hard he pressed his palms into his closed eyes. He couldn’t get Erwin’s blood off his hands no matter how hard he scrubbed. It had been a few days since his death and yet he could still hear the rasp of his voice as he mumbled his last words. 

He didn’t cry when Erwin died. He didn’t shed a single tear when his friend took his final breath. He didn’t let himself break down when he knew it had to be Armin to receive the serum. He had asked Erwin to give up on his dream and die and he did. 

He had to stay strong because everyone else was being so damn emotional. Armin saw a future beyond the walls and Erwin… well Erwin’s dreams went no further than that damn basement. Armin had to be the one to get dragged back into this hell and Erwin had to be the one to finally get to rest. Armin would get the serum and Levi would never get to see Erwin again. 

Why did it have to be him to make that decision? 

He pushed himself off the sink and dragged himself out of his bathroom. He needed to distract himself. He needed to find Eren and Hanji and whoever else was needed to go over Grisha Jaeger’s journals. Armin perhaps, but Levi didn’t trust himself to look at the boy right now. 

He found himself walking the familiar route to Hanji’s office. He pushed their door open with his foot and leaned against the door frame in what he hoped looked casual. Hanji’s head was buried in their arms, resting on the table. They were asleep, most likely from being up all night throwing around theories in that big brain of theirs. 

‘Oi,’ he said and Hanji jumped up, frantically whipping their eyes from under their glasses. Not sleeping then. His chest tightened. ‘I’ll come back later.’

‘No, no. Don’t worry about me, Levi. What did you come to tell me?’ 

Levi hesitated. He didn’t miss the red rim around Hanji’s eyes or the way their voice cracked as they spoke. But if Hanji didn’t want to talk about it then he wouldn’t press the matter. 

‘I want to go over the journals today. You and the brat seem like the best people for the job.’

‘Right!’ Hanji jumped up scrambling for their notebooks and loose pieces of paper. Levi tried not to cringe at the brown circles that stained the paper where a mug had pressed been into it. ‘Where is Eren? He and Mikasa were let out of their cells yesterday.’

‘Beats me. Probably off moping somewhere. Or he could be screaming at some innocents. There’s really no in-between with that kid.’

Hanji laughed, slapping him on the shoulder. ‘We’ll check his room first.’ 

They walked down the stone steps leading to the long line of cells. The concrete walls had that disgusting damp smell that made his nose wrinkle. The torches lining the walls flickered, filling the room with a soft light that did nothing to warm the chill that ghosted over his skin. 

He stepped up the bar that stood between him and Eren’s bed and paused. Eren lay in his bed, snoring softly despite it being late in the morning. His thin sheets pooled at the end of the bed. His legs were tangled up with someone else’s. 

Mikasa was his first thought until Eren shifted his arms from around the person’s head. Long blond hair poked through his arms. Levi’s chest tightened. He brought a hand up to the bars of the cell. Hanji placed their hand over Levi’s trembling ones. Why was he shaking? What was wrong with him?

He clicked his tongue and snatched his hand away from Hanji’s. He didn’t need sympathy. He made the choice to save Armin’s life and now he was lying in Eren’s arms, peacefully unaware that he was breaking Levi’s heart. 

On the bed, Eren pulled Armin closer to his chest. He gripped the back of the boy’s shirt in a quiet refusal to never let him go.

Armin kicked his feet out again and the blankets pooled onto the floor. 

Levi let out a soft laugh. The image before him was like a reflection of the way he used to lie with Erwin.

—

‘You stole all the blankets,’ Levi said the morning they had first slept together. He usually left before the sun rose but this time he needed to hold onto someone—proof that he wasn’t alone even if Petra, Gunther, Eld, Oluo were all gone.

Erwin chuckled and rolled onto his side so they face each other. ‘My apologies.’

‘If I’m going to sleep in here again, you’re going to have to fix that.’

‘Of course,’ Erwin whispered and craned his neck down to press their lips together. Levi cringed at the affection and morning breath but held his tongue. ‘Does that mean you’d like to sleep in my bed again?’

He hummed not wanting to admit that it was the best sleep he’d ever had.

‘Ah, then perhaps I should mention that you snore.’ Levi shoved him back. He either underestimated his strength, or how close they were to the edge of the bed, because Erwin fell to the floor with a soft thump.

‘Whoops,’ he deadpanned, but peaked over the side of the bed to make sure he hadn’t accidentally killed Erwin. He lay on his back clutching his right shoulder but he was grinning up at him.

‘You’re getting stronger.’

‘I’ve always been this strong.’

‘Yes,’ Erwin agreed, voice softening. He gave him a sad smile. ‘You’ve always been so strong. That’s why I know I can trust you.’

Levi's eyes widened, unsure as to what he was trying to say. Why did he always have to be so cryptic? He rolled his eyes and threw a pillow at Erwin who caught it with ease. They stared at each other. Seconds passed as they soaked each other’s faces up. 

Levi studied the little furrow between Erwin’s thick brows. He let his eyes trail down the sharp lines of his jaw and to the soft pout of his lips. If he died, he wanted that to be the last face he saw. But what would he do if Erwin died? Would he be able to hold on to these memories or would they be too painful to look back on? He could barely think about Petra without his stomach turning. His heart sped up at the thought of losing Erwin. It was part of the reason he was so hesitant to pursue this relationship in the first place.

He looked into the cold, calculating blue of his eyes and let out a soft gasped. Erwin was staring at him with the same, mournful look. 

He bunched his fists into the sheets and looked away. As if Levi would ever let Erwin die. He was too important to humanity. He was too important to him. 

Erwin continued to stare at him with wide eyes and parted lips.

‘Don’t look at me like that.’

‘Like what?’

‘Like this isn’t going to last.’

‘I’m not—hm, maybe I am,’ Erwin muttered to himself as he sat up. He lifted himself onto the edge of the bed and rested his hand over Levi’s cold hands. ‘Death is a constant thing on my mind, I’m afraid.’

‘You think I’m going to die?’

‘No. But it is inevitable that I do. I guess I’m grieving over the fact I’ll never wake to see your face again.’

He scoffed. ‘What about your dream? Surely you’re grieving over the fact you’ll never know humanity's secrets.’

Erwin brought a hand to cup his cheek and, in a rare moment of affection, Levi let him. ‘You’re more important than any dream I could have.’

He rolled his eyes. ‘I’m tempted to punch you for that one.’

‘Too sappy?’

‘Definitely.’ He grabbed Erwin by the collar and dragged him down onto the bed, crashing their lips together.

—

Levi let himself smile at the two sleeping figures in front of him. Eren’s snores halted. His eyes cracked open and a small smile covered his face as he looked down at Armin’s sleeping form. He brought a hand to his blond hair and dragged his fingers through it. Armin leaned into the touch, mumbling something under his breath before slowly opening his eyes. They gave each other sleepy smiles and before they could lean in and connect their lips, Hanji cleared their throat.

‘Morning!’

Eren scrambled up into a sitting position, Armin following in suit. ‘Captain. Commander. We were just—’

‘Save it,’ Levi said, bringing a hand up to stop his ramblings. ‘We’ll come back in the afternoon. Take the morning off.’

‘I—th—thank you Captain.’ Eren saluted and Levi fought the urge to facepalm. Armin’s cheeks were bright red, nodding furiously as he thanked him over and over.

Levi gave them a dismissive wave before sauntering out of the room. He raced to his room, throat threatening to close completely. Hanji followed him at the heels, calling his name.

He slammed his door open and stumbled into his room. He paced his boots on the floor, running his shaking hands through his hair. He tried to ground himself but his head spun with a million thoughts—all the conversations he had with Erwin, all their mornings and nights spent in each other’s arms. He was distantly aware of Hanji calling his name.

His throat burnt and his cheeks were flushed. Tears threatened to spill from his eyes. He clenched his fists until he felt the comforting dig of nails in his palms. His eyes flickered to his empty bed and a single tear escaped. He wiped the tear as soon as it came. He had woken up alone this morning. His hand had dragged across the cold, un-mussed sheets. He had pressed his cheek into the spot where Erwin had once lain and would never lay again. 

He turned to Hanji who watched him with a concerned furrow in their eyebrows. ‘Shit, Hanji. He’s really gone.’

Hanji didn’t say anything. They took a hesitant step forward before striding forward and dragging him into their chest. That was all it took apparently. He finally let himself cry. It was like all the emotions he’d been holding inside himself were finally pouring out and he couldn’t do anything to stop it. He sobbed. He tried not to think about his tears and saliva and snot soaking Hanji’s shirt. He knew they wouldn’t mind. 

Hanji’s grip tightened around Levi. Their shoulders shook, jostling his head. He looked up to see tears running steadily down their cheeks. 

‘Don’t think you’re the only one that gets to have a breakdown.’

He choked out a laugh. 

They spent the rest of the morning lying in Levi’s bed. They held each other for support. Hanji was the only person Levi could trust to see him like this because Hanji was the only person that could truly understand how he felt. 

When they both finally calmed down, they whispered to each other. They talked about Erwin and all his annoying habits. Like how he stole the covers, and tapped his pens against his desk in a beat that didn’t make sense, and sneezed way too loud, and spoke so cryptically that it was possible Erwin didn’t even know what he was talking about.

Their crying stopped and turned into laughs. Time ticked past but they made no move to get out of bed. He’d give Eren and Armin the day off to do whatever it was fifteen-year-olds did these days. 

Levi held onto Hanji and didn’t let go. The warmth of their skin made his eyes heavy and his breathing even out, exhausted from his cry. I still have Hanji, he repeated over and over in his head. He fell asleep against their chest and dreamt of blond hair and eyes the colour of the ocean Armin had spoken of.


End file.
